SO I wrote before about my fear of failure, at length, sorry about that. Its one of those matters that generate too many words. I’m not sure any of them help, the fear remains and what can words ever really do in the face of that?
Worse I feel as though I am coming to crunch time. Writer up or shut up.
Last night just as I was about asleep I was gripped by an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I don’t know where it came from but it ripped me awake, my heart scudding in my ear like an alarmed pinball. I felt like a child playing dress up in writers clothes.
So, in the fresh light of day that has faded but I still have this fear to overcome. Mum suggested hypno-therapy, in between chanting, asking your guardian angels, reading the I-ching.. (have I told you about my mum? Remind me to sometime) I’ve always been of the close your eyes and cross your fingers school; nothing will get something done except doing it. The problem with this is, I’ve already tried it. The only reason I queried at all. I didn’t know if I was ready, if the book(s) – technically I have queried with two, even if barely with the second – was ready. I really looking back didn’t know much at all. But I know my perfectionist tendencies, my ability to doubt so before I could get to locked into self mocking, I went for it.
I’ve read a lot more since then, talked to writers, agents, publishers. It may have actually increased my fear. It made the whole thing more real. I could probably work myself up enough to employ the same method, but I am not sure I want to simply power through blind anymore. I would like to get some enjoyment out of the process of publication, enough certainly that it doesn’t taint the entire venture, including the writing. Because right now, from the very start it has. The minute I started writing with the aim of publication it was lodged in my mind. My first book was written with the specific aim of writing something like ‘everything else.’ I was writing to be published and that meant burying my own voice. I have since resurrected it, but those voices, the voices that woke me last night, continue to whisper, ‘that’s too you, too strange too different. Nobody will want to read that’. Which equates to no one will want to publish it.
So… crunch time.. not quite ready to have a conversation with the angel upon my shoulder, but I am embracing things I have previously been somewhat dismissive of. Like life coaches. I like the way this woman writes – that matters for a writer 😛 I like the way she looks at things. So if you need a bit of courage, read on..